Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I think I'm moving from Survival to Defense. Before, rolling was a big blur. I couldn't really analyze what I could do differently, because I had no real idea about what the other person was doing. All I knew was, somehow someone was on top of me, and I reacted... reacting more quickly and skillfully as time went on, but reacting nonetheless. Now, I'm finding my head clearer to think. Survival does not seem quite as urgent. More and more, I have been seeing moves coming and avoiding them. With Gary being a purple belt, I don't know exactly what's coming, but I do know to focus on keeping my base because I sense a sweep in my near future, or "nope. that's my arm, thanks." I'm moving my own body. This is what I can control.
I discovered something new about my survival skills today... I felt an urge to bite. Don't worry. I didn't. One of the guys at the gym that's a solid 220 has muscled me around a time or two. This is the true test of my breathing and staying calm. I haven't felt this frustrated in quite some time, and I think my self defense instincts have never felt so strong. I'm not sure I can even describe it, it's more than just the feeling of being stuck, but less than panic. I get a little mad, too. Last time, I wanted to cry, but this time, i guess I wanted to fight. This inspired me to unearth a book I'd started a couple of years ago, Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype. (Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.) It is about staying in touch with the natural passion within us; fighting the construct of fear, constraint and lack of creativity our society can train us for.