38 bruises

Being out for a couple of months, combined with a new teacher/training partners who emphasize different movements is making my body say, "holly crap. what are you doing?." I have 38 bruises, couple scrapes, a purple toe and crazy tight shoulders. OY ... but I had a great day training.

The week didn't start out quite so peachy, though. We've been on a Monday/Wednesday schedule. I was sick for a week, and then Monday was memorial day, so no class. Back at class on Wednesday, already feeling a bit anxious about not feeling comfortable at the new school and not feeling comfortable with my two stripes. I had never learned a Kimura, somehow, and now in the white belt basics session, I learned to go for it from when someone defends the hip bump sweep. learned to defend it from that position by grabbing your own leg and passing. Kimura reversal from bottom by pushing the persons arm to their stomach and fliping them over. (that last part Gary helped me to remember because I never really understood the situation). I felt like it was my first week and I wasn't even able to visualize the position where I would be to do this... never mind remembering how to do it if I ever got the opportunity. This led into the regular class where the instructor showed 3 other variations, and I couldn't even focus to pay attention. 'practicing' it was a disaster. The people were nice, but I was always turning the wrong direction and having zero idea of what to do at any given moment. All the while being judged on how little I seem to know for the degrees I've acquired.

At this point, already feeling flustered and distant, the instructor was about to set up drills. I must have looked confused and unsure, because he said something about cross-body escapes, and I had never heard that before, so I was translating it into what must mean the same as escaping from side control. At that moment, the instructor looked at me and said, "well, i'm just judging by the stripes you walked in with. do you know two cross-body escapes?." I said yes, but the thing is, at this point, I've "learned" a great deal more than I "know." I can in no way recall, and actually use everything I've been taught, which was beginning to feel quite awkward having so many of these moments. There are also a lot of names that are unfamiliar, which adds to my unsure facial expressions.

Somehow, during this drill, my toe got hurt and something around my finger didn't feel quite right. I kept going, but now I was starting to get mad and upset. My shoulders have been a bit messed up because of all this new Kimura business, and this was just piling on top. I was mad at myself for getting hurt. Mad at Jiu-Jitsu, the instructor, the school environment. I gave into pressures to push myself too hard to try to 'prove' my rank... which was clearly not going so well, anyway. The expectations of me turned out to be higher than I had anticipated. I thought that with my little white belt, it would be no big deal going to a new school.

At the end of class, I rolled with Gary, and I was on the brink of tears. He kept pushing me to persevere and find my fighting spirit. This was all too much to handle at the moment. There I was after class, not so successfully holding back the tears, Someone I didn't know asking me if I was okay... It was all quite embarrassing and leaving me feeling defeated physically and emotionally.

... The next day, I woke up still mad. That was a first for me. Later in the day, I felt okay, but right then I decided that I had to go back today, and not wait. This could be my defining moment in moving forward. To say to myself and everyone else, that, Yes, I had a rough day... but I'm not here to be a quitter. I went by myself. Me, my purple little toe and strained shoulders showed up and had a good class. No excuses.