Survival

After week one of Fight Training, I’ve really only become more aware of my weaknesses. Which means two things. One, that Fight Training has been putting me in more situations to see how I react up against extreme frustration, self-imposed challenge, feeling stuck and potentially overwhelmed, and two, that I see Fight Training in other everyday activities. For instance, mowing the lawn became a trying venture. The lawn had grown way too long in two weeks for our little manual push mower. I was having a tough time pushing 4 or 5 times on the same little spot, which took more strength than I have, and looking around at how little was accomplished and how much more area needed to be mowed became more than I could handle. (there may have been a few tears and some profanity along the way). After 2 hours of this, the kid who mows lawns down the street came over and I gave in to paying the kid to take his gas-powered mower to the task. I don’t regret the decision, but I did feel defeated and a little embarrassed. I had already come to the realization that lawn mowing is bullshit because it’s only for appearances to the neighbors who don’t know, and couldn’t care less about us. If we had kids who played out there it’d be one thing. Also, today, what got me so mad, is that we pay some guy a lot of money to live here AND we do manual labor to maintain His property. I had an I hate suburbia day. If it wasn’t already clear, this is not for us.

I feel physically weaker and drained…especially by the point today where I pushed the mower and it no longer moved (operator malfunction). My muscles look bigger, but now I really notice the times when I can’t open a jar in the kitchen. I think my expectations are higher for myself, already, and need some adjusting.

The first six weeks or so of training Jiu-Jitsu, I thought I was learning a lot and progressing, but then I started facing more and more frustrating moments that brought discouraging feelings. I kept coming back to try again and to figure out better ways of approaching the same situations. Moving forward, now, I need to fine-tune the details of positions and practice so I remember more when it comes time to use them in sparring. It seems that lately, I’ve been ending up underneath people A LOT, mostly defending against stronger people pushing me around (especially other white belts). Hardly any pancakes, though! I am reminding myself that before anything else, I must survive. Saulo Ribeiro, in his book, ‘Jiu-Jitsu University,’ proclaims that, in fact, “The Goal of the White Belt is Survival.” He discusses how everyone has fears, and that, in Jiu-Jitsu, it is by facing these fears over and over one can be liberated, eventually finding relaxation in approaching difficult situations. Saulo names this as, “a natural process of mental conditioning,” declaring that, “survival on a physical level is simply and extension of this mental conditioning.” This includes getting used to feelings of being attacked and of crushing weight on your chest, but knowing that at any moment you can tap and start again.

“even though it is a path of a thousand miles, you walk one step at a time.”
-Miyamoto Musashi